Banned
by Oceanwind
Summary: Katniss and Peeta are tired of Haymitch's drunken ways. They decide to make a list of things banned for him to say or do. Haymitch though, won't take it lying down. Implied Everlark.
1. It Begins

**Disclaimer: I do not own the hunger games. Warning this may contain spoilers from the books and is pure crack. Not to be taken seriously.**

**Summary: **Katniss is tired of Haymitch's drunken ways. She decides to make a list of things banned for him to say or do. Implied Everlark.

**Banned**

He almost ignored the piece of paper that was attatched to his door. If it wasn't for the fact that it was practically hitting him in the face as he struggled to get the door unlocked he would have never noticed it. In perfectly neat hand writing he saw his name scrawled and for a moment he even considered not even bothering to read it. He sighed pulling it from his door to look it over.

_Haymitch you are hereby banned from saying/doing the following._

1. You may not come into my house while Peeta is over screaming that you smell something in the oven.

2. You may not ask if Peeta has put bread in my oven yet.

3. You may not laugh about something baking in the oven and referring to Peeta and I having children. Or anything about ovens and bread ever.

4. You may not come 'Trick or Treat' at my house just because I am a victor and might possibly have candy.

5. You may not ask for alcohol as a substitute for candy when you come over.

6. You may not refer to yourself as the only Victor with a brain. If you hadn't killed all your brain cells from drinking you might have gotten away with that but not now.

7. You may not come over and gush about how funny it is that Peeta likes my squirrels.

8. You may not make your own theme song. Nor may you make a theme song about me.

9. No crack marks about Finnick's last name. 'Where's Finnick?' 'Odair he is' for example.

10. You are never allowed to sing this again 'I walk into the forest and what do I see. Katniss shooting squirrels and climbing up trees. She's got a Bow and she ain't afraid to show it show it. I'm Haymitch and I know it' which makes no sense whatsoever but seeing as you are a drunk…

11. Speaking of singing you may not remake Adel's song Set Fire and use any reference to me or the Hunger Games. I.e "She set fire To the Games."

12. Nor may you sing 'We found buns in a hopeless place.'

13. You are not allowed to sing period. It is a terrible experience and no one wants to hear you_ ever_.

14. You may not make couple names for Peeta and I. And you will not refer to either one of us as the name that coincidentally sounds a lot like a male body part and then laugh saying it really is our name.

15. Just because you are mad you cannot use Effie's name as a cuss word. No more Effie yous!

16. Nor may you say anyone is Effie crazy. One because you'll hurt Effie's feelings and two there might be small children in the area.

17. You may not refer to my goat as Tina and you may not call her a fat lard while she is pregnant.

18. You may not make lame jokes about Rue's death to try and help me cope with it. Example – Spearing people is so Rue'd. Or you know the Capitol is Rue-ing the day they started the Hunger Games.

19. You may not wonder out loud what Peeta's favorite bread is.

20. Don't lie and tell the Peacemakers you can't eat another bite and that's why you can't watch the Games.

21. You may not tell Effie that you've started an 'uprising' in your 'district' after consuming large amounts of liquor.

22. Nor may you do that sober either.

23. You may not tell Prim that the reason Effie's hair is so big is because she squirrels away information about everyone and hides it in her hair.

24. You may not tell Effie that you don't need to be drunk to see her hotness and then wink at me and say 'Geddit it rhymes with your name'

25. You may not say I'm down to Effie.

26. Nor can you ask anyone if they want to see the President's 'bush'

27. You may not remind Peeta that he was on fire and then ask him if he is flaming.

28. You may not ask people in the Hob if they know the muffin man who lives in District 12.

29. Peeta is not a peetaphile

30. 'Oh for Peeta's sake' is not going to catch on. Stop saying it.

31. You may not ask if I prefer Peeta bread or Gale bread. Those aren't breads they are people.

32. You may not smack Blueberries out of people's hands and scream NO THAT'S NIGHTLOCK!

33. When you pull out your knife you may not tell people you are about to 'Clove them'

34. You are not allowed near open flames. This has already been established… multiple times.

35. You may not urinate on coal and say you are preventing a fire hazard.

36. Nor may you pour any time of liquid on me and say 'I doused the girl on fire!'

37. Nor may you pour any time of liquid on me and say 'Fire contained.' And then 'Oh there goes the rebellion.'

38. You may not offer Finnick sugar cubes and tell him to show you something sweet for it.

39. You may not provoke Finnick, Gale, and Peeta to take off their shirts and ask girls to judge who is the hottest to get sponsors.

40. You cannot give a fork to Finnick and try and convince him it is a mini trident to eat broccoli with.

41. Nor does that mean you can use your fork as a spear and pretend that you are eating people from the Capitol.

42. You are not allowed to say anything about the color pink and Effie in the same sentence.

43. When you have to go to the bathroom you cannot tell everyone you need to Peeta.

44. Nor may you tell anyone they smell like KatPee

45. You may not Primise things. You can promise things however.

_Signed –_

_Katniss_

Haymitch smirked to himself as he crumpled the paper that was neatly pinned to his door. Didn't that girl know by now that her efforts to try and turn him into a somewhat gentleman were wasted? The girl would have more luck actually looking at her own love life and realizing it was a complete mess before she would get him to do (or not to do) anything on this list.

He smiled as he studied over a few of the numbers again. He was better sure he hadn't done a few of these yet but then again he wasn't always sober enough to remember the mischief he got into anyways.

* * *

**A/N: **So first crack fic ever and first Hunger Games fic. What did you guys think? Please feel free to add some of your own crazy comments (and if you want I will reference you in the future if I do use your lines). I think I am going to randomly update this with more add ons from Haymitch reacting ;). I did get a decent amount of the jokes on here from tumblr but I did make up some of my own.


	2. Amendment A

**A/N: **As mentioned earlier this is a crack fic and won't be completely compliant with the books. For one I am ignoring some character deaths besides the ones inside the games.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the Hunger Games trilogy. All rights reserved to the amazing author.

**Banned**

**Amendment A**

"Did you see what your girlfriend wrote me Peeta? It was a love letter. I threw it away because I ain't the type of guy to steal another's girl," Haymitch chuckled. Peeta let out a slow long breath. He was much better equipped to handle this man than Katniss was but he was starting to see why she made the list in the first place.

"It wasn't a love letter," Peeta managed to say back annoyed.

"It was. That girl has her eye out for me. Been trying to get me from day one."

_Trying to get you sober from day one_, Peeta thought to himself. Although there was the rare occasion that Katniss did let Haymitch drink and even joined him herself but he knew it was the continuous non-stop unhealthy behavior that annoyed Katniss. If they could handle the games, if they could handle their world being stolen from them sober, Haymitch should be able to as well. Although Haymitch didn't have someone to love unconditionally, or someone to love him back. The closest thing he had to anyone was the two of them.

That was probably what upset Katniss. Haymitch was the closest thing she had to a father figure in her life now and he was constantly drowning himself in large amounts of alcohol.

"Tomato potato," Haymitch said waving his liquor around happily. Peeta discreetly snagged the bottle away from him and flung the contents in a bush outside.

"You mean…" Peeta sighed cutting himself off and deciding to not bother in correcting him.

"Look Haymitch I came over here because I wanted your help on something."

"You promised you would never ask anything from me again after the Quarter Quell," Haymitch barked his demeanor turning dark when he tried to take a swing from his bottle before realizing it wasn't there.

"Forget it," Peeta growled. He rounded the corner of the Victor's village and stomped up to his own. Thankful to finally have a reason to escape the madman in a fake fit of anger. He would have stayed longer but honestly his patience was wearing thin and even with Haymitch's slower response rate he was catching on to him.

"Katniss!" he called hoping she wasn't out in the woods.

"In here," she called from the other room softly. He followed the direction her voice came in and sat in the chair next to her.

"A day with Haymitch. Are you crazy?" he growled scooping up Buttercup so the cat rested on his lap. It growled in protest but for the most part the cat tolerated him.

"Annoying isn't he? I want him to see how annoying he is."

"Well I got plenty more for your stupid list," Peeta half growled but a smile was forming over his face. He knew Katniss would laugh at some of the things he would tell her.

"Wait!" she said jumping up from the couch, "Let me grab a pen."

()()()()()()()()()

Tacked neatly on his door was the same list he had seen the other day but this time there was a second page. _Amendment A_, it read on the top in neat letters. Definitely different writing than the first page, but still neat and precise. He rolled his eyes before smirking at down at the list. Peeta could get that much in a day? He must be worse than he thought.

46. When speaking to someone you may not try to describe their nose as a way of addressing them.

47. You may not say 'May the odds ever be in your favor', and then throw something large and harmful at someone. I.E. dropping a toaster off the roof and trying to hit Effie.

48. Peeta is the muffin man and you don't get any cookies for being a smart ass.

49. When Katniss goes out into the woods and climbs a tree, you cannot hum mission impossible music.

50. You can't scream 'death from above' when hovercrafts appear. It might cause any victor or retired army personnel to freak out.

51. 'I'm just Finnick-ing you' doesn't mean you are teasing someone unless you are Finnick. You may not say this phrase.

52. You are not allowed to play a drinking game that involves you drinking until Effie looks like normal to your standards.

53. You can't do tongue twisters 'even on a good day' and it only makes you vomit. So please refrain from the urge to talk about Sally selling sea shells by the sea shore.

54. Greasy Sae isn't your girlfriend on the weekends and house maid on weekdays.

55. We thought we told you no bread and oven jokes?

56. Dumping water on you is apparently the only way to wake you up. Don't ask how you got wet when you know the answer.

57. You aren't allowed to put any type of living creature (especially small bugs) on Effie just to see if she will knock off her wig in her failing.

58. You may not tell people from the Capitol that alcoholism is contagious and they will catch it if they hang out with you long enough just to get them to go away. We all find them annoying but they don't know any better.

59. You are not allowed in Effie's bathroom just so you can attempt to flush down some of her makeup.

60. Nor may you try and sample her products to see if you can pull off her look any better.

61. You are not allowed in Effie's house for that matter.

62. Your alcohol may bring all the boys to the yard but so does Katniss's squirrels. And it's better than yours.

63. Besides that joke, neither Peeta nor Haymitch may ever say it again either within Katniss's presence or away.

64. You may not attempt to grow your hair so you can braid it like Katniss.

65. Just because you have 35 years on Peeta does not mean you can start an argument over who is hotter, and then take off your clothes to try and prove a point.

66. You may not point at Effie and refer to her as a female version of a walking traffic light when she wears pink, orange, and green.

67. You may not try and attempt to set Peeta up on a date with Effie just to 'kill two birds with one stone'.

68. You may not sneak around the Hob and take embarrassing pictures of people to use as leverage to get more alcohol.

69. You may not take a Polaroid camera, take shirtless pictures of yourself, and then post them all over the Hob and District 12.

70. You may not point at said pictures and say 'HA! See I was on fire way before you Peeta… because I'm so HOT!'

71. You may not replace all of Effie's shoes with sliced bread with strings tied to them and then tell her that she needs to find a clam to produce a diamond to give to a wizard that will turn her shoes back to normal.

72. The broth Greasy Sae gives you doesn't have magical powers and you can't see into the future.

73. You may not collect the entire District's supply of spoons, claiming you need them to read your soup to see the future.

73. You may not pretend you can't get off the couch because you broke your back the previous night.

74. Nor may you go into explicated detail of how you 'supposedly' broke your back.

75. You may not talk about your nonexistent sex life with Peeta and then tell him to get it while he can before he gets too old and breaks his back doing that.

76. Wild dog is not your favorite sex position with Effie. You two don't have sex and if you do no more talking to Peeta or Katniss about it EVER again.

77. You may not wink at Effie across the table when wild dog is being served for dinner.

78. You may not taste test every bottle of liquid you see to see if it contains alcohol.

79. You may not claim that you are Katniss's real father and that her mother had an affair with you. That isn't why you guys have the same eye color or why Prim has blonde hair.

80. Nor can you claim that Gale is really your kid as well and that he and Katniss are really brother and sister.

81. 'I'm drunk' is not the answer for every question you may encounter.

82. You may not set up a series of loud traps so you can judge who is coming over. You can just wait for people to knock or come in.

83. You may not refer to Peeta as 'sweetheart' or 'love'. It's creepy.

84. You may not pretend you don't know how to read.

85. Nor may you place books under your pillow so the knowledge will come to you while you sleep off your hangover.

86. 'All's fair in love and war' is not an excuse to try and set Effie up with anyone.

87. Nor may you use Effie as a human shield when Katniss is in a bad mood with you.

88. You may not purposefully antagonize Effie about how her wig looks crooked.

89. Nor may you claim you did so on accident and then smirk.

90. Just because someone almost daily throws a bucket of water on you it does not count as your shower.

91. Nor does standing in the rain for a little bit count as a shower either.

92. Liquor does have healing purposes but you can't claim that by consuming it you are purifying yourself and therefore have to drink an obscene amount.

93. Peeta is not the gingerbread man and you may not chase him around. Nor may you tell people in the District that he is in disguise and see how many people join you.

94. You are not allowed to start a riot just so you can carry a torch around.

95. Nor may you start a riot to see if Finnick will grab a pitchfork or a trident and then laugh at him for either choice.

96. Finnick may run around half naked for fun but you may not join him while claiming to be hunting for some lady friends.

97. You may not attempt to see how long it takes a 'real' blush to show through Effie's make up.

98. Nor may you attempt to lick her face to clean off a 'smudge'.

99. You may not yell 'Farkle' 'Uno' or 'Yatzee' when you see a victor.

100. You may not complain loudly that you have marker on your face when it is just freckles that you were born with. Nor may you claim that they are new and then proceed to check the rest of your body for them, especially in public.

_Signed –_

_Katniss, __**and**__ Peeta _

He chuckled to himself. This time he neatly folded the list inside his pocket and made his way back silently into the house. Did they think they could just write all these things and get away with it? He wasn't that kind. He would take his revenge and very soon.

* * *

**A/N: **I am going to keep this story marked as complete. I may update randomly throughout the year though so keep an eye out for it. This update is so soon because of the amazing feedback I got for the first chapter. Glad you guys enjoyed it. :)


	3. Haymitch Reacts

**Banned**

**Haymitch **_**Reacts **_

He almost felt bad about what he was doing. They looked so perfect curled in each other's arms, sleeping with angelic like faces in pure bliss. The two people who had gone through hell and back in just a short matter of time, the two people that really deserved each other in this world. The two people he cared about most. The two people who were about to learn what happened when they meddled in others business's when people didn't want them there, even if they were just looking out for him.

He almost felt awful, almost being the extremely important word in the sentence. His face twisted into a smile that could only be described as pure glee and mischief as he picked the lock on the window. This was just the start of it all. He quickly stripped out of his clothes, shivering slightly as the cool breeze caressed his bare skin. Just this last step and his perfect plan for Phase One of his operation would be done. His thoughts were uncannily clear but for once sobriety didn't scare him or make him long for a bottle, he knew he would be able to reward himself with a nice long drink and several good hours of rest after this.

He chuckled under his breath but froze as Katniss shifted slightly in her sleep. He ducked making sure he was well hidden in the bush for a minute but he didn't hear her stir or walk around the room. Assuming it was safe; he checked his wrist watch impatiently. Just a few more seconds…

He adjusted his velvet red hat, and took several steps away from the wall. He grinned as he clutched the small metal contraption in his hands closer to his body. With one last look at the wall he pressed the button, on the device.

A loud explosion shot through the night, and a thick cloud of dust blanketed the air. He heard several long profound curse words as he strode easily towards the hole. He stepped on the rumble looking at a few hanging pieces of wall left with a small tut of shame.

"Merry Christmas," he barked and threw a large sack into the room.

"Haymitch what the fuc-"

"Haymitch what is the meaning of this?" Peeta snapped interrupting Katniss. He had them both shielded with the blanket. It was wrapped tightly around them.

"Who's Haymitch?"

There was a long pause in which Katniss's jaw dropped and Peeta stared at him blankly.

"He's gone and finally went completely mad," she muttered to him, just loudly enough for him to hear even if it was directed at Peeta.

"Mad?" he cackled, making sure to laugh in a way that clearly no sane person would be able to manage. "I'm not mad. I'm Father Christmas!" he made sure to adjust his hat again, to show the bright red hat in the moonlight. The dust had just cleared and he knew that in the full moon their eyes would be adjusted to the darkness by now.

"YOU'RE NAKED!" screamed Katniss.

"I'm wearing a hat. I can't be naked if I'm wearing a hat!" he shouted back.

Katniss was reaching around wildly for something and Peeta still just looked shell shocked.

"Looking for this?" he called lifting all the weapons that could have possibly be used against him in the house. Among them Katniss's bow sat on top and in plain view.

"So help me Haymitch if you don't get the hell out of here I'll-"

"You'll what? Tell my mommy? _I'm so scarred_, besides I'm not Haymitch I'm Father Christmas and I have come bearing gifts," he said interrupting her and pointing the sack he had thrown on the floor.

"Gifts?" Katniss shrieked. Her voice climbing the scale of octaves the longer she was forced to communicate with him. He might break a record soon and lose his hearing for a day.

"How drunk are you?" Peeta asked, his voice sounding star struck or some type of awe.

"Completely sober," Haymitch said winking at him. Katniss was on the floor investigating the sack. She nervously pushed it with her toe.

"It's empty," she said looking up at him. Her eyes clearly confused.

"Oh damn. They must've gotten out. Well good luck finding them. I have other houses to visit. Merry Christmas," Haymitch said calling over his shoulder.

"It's not even CLOSE to Christmas," he heard Peeta growl.

"What the hell did he let escape into our house?" Katniss snapped.

Haymitch laughed as he quickly ducked behind a few abandoned houses. He would have an hour or two of reprieve before they realized that it all really was a hoax and that he had blown a hole in their wall at three in the morning just to mess with them. He knew that he would want to be nice and drunk by the time they figured it out. He grinned. This was just the start of it. He would think of something better the next time they tacked a stupid note to his door saying all the things he did drunk. If they didn't like him drunk they wouldn't like him sober either.

()()()()()()()

The next morning Haymitch found himself waking up on his own. No bucket of water splayed on top of him and no angry loud voices about how utterly insane he was. It was nice, but for some reason he kind of missed it. He grinned though; it was the type of grin that could only take place after winning a battle. His stomach rumbled painfully reminding him that he hadn't eaten in a while. He stood up from his chair, stretching and yawning as he made his way past broken furniture and bottles to the kitchen.

There neatly on his fridge was _The List_. He swore loudly. Of course the first few additions were expected but there was a whole lot more he wasn't entirely sure he had done.

101. You may not scheme while drunk.

102. If a thought involves blowing a hole in a wall at three in the morning needless to say you may not do it.

103. You are not Father Christmas and you may not run around naked. Wearing a hat doesn't mean you are clothed, you are still stark naked.

104. You may not pretend to have set something loose in someone else's house to have them search for hours on end.

105. Nor may you actually come back a few hours later and set loose a few Jabber Jays to scare the shit out of them.

106. You may not steal everyone's weapons before you commit such 'harmless' fun. People need to defend themselves.

107. You may blast a hole in someone else's house just to say you like to enter with a 'BANG'.

108. You may not do so to your own house either.

109. You may not round up all of the dandelions and hold them hostage from Katniss.

110. Nor may you have 'them' write her ransom notes begging for her to comply with your 'wishes'.

111. You may not rub lamps and swear there is a genie only you can see there.

112. Nor may you get into a fight with said magical creature over the amount of wishes you have. You get three.

113. You may not use any of your wishes to A. Harm Katniss B. Prevent Katniss from ever being born, or C. Hook Finnick and Gale up.

114. If a thought makes you giggle you are not allowed to do it.

115. You may not giggle.

116. You may not laugh loudly and mischievously after looking at Katniss or Peeta for a long period of time after a long silence.

117. Just because you pass out when you are drunk does not mean you have Narcolepsy. You must stop telling people this.

118. Effie is not your booty call.

119. You may not chase Katniss around when she is in a bad mood screaming 'I know you want a hug!' She does not. Trust me.

120. You may not lick all of your food before eating it 'For protection' and then leave it on your plate untouched.

121. You may not catch Mutts from the Capitol and ask Katniss if you can keep it as a pet.

122. Nor may you give said Mutts nicknames like Fluffy Death, Opera House, Buzz, or anything else bizarre.

123. You are not allowed near Ceasar Flickerman ever again. Especially, after you dyed his hair with his shampoo.

124. You may not spike Pulrich's coffee, or switch it with decafe.

125. When giving a progress report to the Capitol you may not talk like a pirate.

126. Nor may you add things that didn't happen to the report to 'spice it up a little'.

127. Your dream is not to become a woman with a beard.

128. You may not steal all of Effie's right shoes and tell her she will always be wrong now.

129. You may not grease your hair up to look like Elvis. You look like a zombie with a cat attached to your head when you do so. That and Peeta is the only one who knows who the heck this Elvis guy is anyways.

130. You may not run up to Katniss, say sorry and then run away. Even if you did do it.

131. Ties are not evil. You may choose not to wear them, so don't wear one just to rip it off and try and lit it on fire in the middle of the District.


End file.
